Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Just so funny
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Has there ever been a more American story?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.