Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨