Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
White parent Vs Arab parents
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.