my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?