this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
how long have you had this for?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?