*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I feel seen
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Oh yeh? Explain this then