Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful