me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Can’t. Being lazy.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.