Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
i smell a pulitzer
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”