The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
ready to be harvested
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Selfie
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.