Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Bros before Ohioes
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.