“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??