If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You Might Also Like
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.