“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano