HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.