peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.