Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.