At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.