Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
こいつ天才
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
happy friday
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.