Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
For the baby who has everything
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.