ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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*seductively eats two tums*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
What fresh Hell is this?!?