There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Generation gap…
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that