Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
These aren’t even hard anymore.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache