I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*