*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
lmao
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*updates tinder bio*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.