I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Natural selection at its finest
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy