Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
❤️🦆
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.