HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Reporter: *ports again*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic