Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The smoothest fall of all time
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.