I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
You Might Also Like
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.