My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES