“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops