Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this