im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.