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I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.