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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
How to wake up a Beagle
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.