oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.