Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO