Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
This is me
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.