When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows