Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.