If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.