Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
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“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Getting married soon just need a spouse