2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.