I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Good morning y’all ☀️
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder