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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.