If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.