What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
You Might Also Like
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I told my vodka about you.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*