*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!