[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
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DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Wednesday
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first